Mighty Iris

Communication Barriers

2007-02-19T13:53:00.000-06:00

She was happy to see me yesterday. I’ve been so busy at work and then 5 inches of show on top of that, kept me away from Hillcrest this last week. She had plenty of Valentines so she didn’t entirely miss my cookie or chocolate, but when she saw me she reached out and grabbed me and gave me a smack on the cheek. I didn't even have the chance to tell her I brought her Valentine's.

The communicating is the hardest part. When I ask her straightforward questions she can answer “yes” or “no” or sometimes you’ll get an “I don’t think so” but when she starts babbling it’s hard to keep up. Yesterday she talked about the “others” and how they don’t notice her… so I start up with the questions: “Is it the nurses?” “No.” “Is it Bernice?” “No.” “What about the other residents here?” “No.” “Well then who?” “I don’t know, the other people!” The typical pattern is after a while she starts to get frustrated and then gets stuck on her words, so no words come out and then it’s all growling and mumbling.

Whatever she was thinking about yesterday she sure had a lot to say about it.

When lunch came around she was panting, and I couldn’t get the cover off the food fast enough before she started to poke her spoon around and shove food in her mouth. She fed herself, and mom said she hasn’t done that in awhile so I felt good about the day, in that she was chit-chatty and feeding herself. Also got a few stories from the nurses about her busy-butt going around in other people's rooms and getting into things. I'm continually amazed at how well she gets around in her wheelchair. She's got very strong arms.

The Ride is Over

2007-01-21T18:19:00.000-06:00

The nurses finally put Grandma back on her regular schedule of meds this week. Today she wasn't very alert and slept the whole time I was there except for about two minutes. She opened her eyes and looked at me for a moment and reached out to pull me closer. I thought maybe she wanted to give me a hug because she was happy to see me, but turns out she just wanted to lay her head on my shoulder for a snooze :) go figure. That was fine with me. I read a couple of women's magazines to her while she slept. When it was time for me to go I had to wake her up enough so that she would eat some lunch. The nurses said she ate a really good breakfast (her appetite is back YAY).

Aunt Carol comes in to the Red Hat Society gatherings at Hillcrest and she got Grandma to wear a hat for the occaision. I remember when Grandma wore all kinds of hats when I was little. I also remember thinking that she looked very classy - almost too classy to live in a farm town.

When I said goodbye today I told her "I love you" and she grabbed me again, which I thought meant that she wanted to use my shoulder for some sleep, but she gave me a kiss on the cheek instead. I'm glad to see her calmed down now and a bit more focused. I think she knew I was there the whole time she was sleeping.

Less Meds = More Care?

2007-01-15T08:52:00.000-06:00

I know that healthcare in the US needs major reform, but never has it effected me so much as now when I have to watch Grandma go through all of this needless discomfort because the State of Illinois and their regulations per dispensing medication to patients in assisted care facilities.

Yesterday Grandma couldn't control her hands or movements, so we spent the time just wheeling around Hillcrest about 50 times. She was communicating fairly well, and I asked her if my mom had been out yet and she said "no."

She has a new roomate, Bernice, who is very nice. She is a far cry from Selma, who was wheelchair and bedridden, and moves around by herself and goes down to the far dining hall for her meals. I asked Grandma about Bernice, and she says "I don't think she likes me." Then I asked why but couldn't get an answer out of her. So I asked her more questions "Do you snore?" Grandma: "No." Me: "Do you talk to her?" Grandma: "No." Me: "Do you run into her with your wheelchair?" Grandma: "No." Me: "Well then why do you think she doesn't like you?" Grandma: "I don't know!" I told her that wasn't a good answer, and that is her cop out if you start asking too many things.

After about the 50th or so time around the facility we went over to one of the TV areas and she saw a newspaper on the table and she asked me "What does that say?" I asked her if she wanted to read the newspaper and she said yes. After we sat down she ran her fingers all over the paper, as if she was reading braille, and I read articles to her. When it was time to turn the page she had a hard time controlling her arms to do so, and it took about 5 minutes for her to get coordinated enough.

I had to leave before lunchtime but I figured my mom would be coming out to help. She kept saying how hungry she was, but this time I wasn't going to cave in and give her some chocolate before lunch. I really wanted her to eat a good meal. Mom called me later to say that she ate most of everything and that she was really hungry. She wasn't able to feed herself or use her spoon because of her jittery-ness though.

Mom said that Diane (one of the nurses) wants us to tell her about Grandma's condition and reactions whenever we can. That way maybe we can move things along quicker and get her back on a regular medication schedule.

Busy-Body on the Loose

2007-01-12T08:16:00.000-06:00

I talked to my Mom last night and she said that Grandma ate a good meal yesterday, for the first time in quite a few days, so I guess that we have to trust the fact that she will eat when she absolutely needs to.

This is the second week of the mandatory reduction in her medication. She is still agitated, can't stop moving her hands and is very jittery and has a lot of energy to spend wandering around, getting into other resident's rooms, etc. The nurses and all the aids there just kind of laugh at her in a good way because she is being such a busy-body. I really do like all of the people there and feel blessed that she is in a caring place.

Switching Meds

2007-01-08T08:25:00.000-06:00

The last week or so Grandma has had to dose down on one of her meds, per a Illinois state law. The drug, (...begins with an R... I keep hearing the name but there are so many drugs out there I can't keep them straight), keeps Grandma from being so jittery and keeps her in control of her appetite and more specifically swallowing food. This week was hard because she couldn't keep still and she could only get a few bites of her food down before she started spitting everything out. Yesterday she ate a couple bites of her food and a couple of spoonfuls of dessert. Everything was fine for about five minutes and then she wouldn't swallow anything. I would put a spoonful in and she would spit it out. I managed to get her to drink about half of her milk and some juice. The nurse came by and gave her her daily dose of liquid laxative and she didn't drink all of that so I'm hoping today she will drink her full dose, otherwise then the nurses have to go the suppository route and I know she doesn't like that (and who does really).

We gave up on lunch after about a half an hour of spooning-and-spitting. After I said "OK let's give it a rest and get a cookie," she leaned back in her chair and put her hands to her head and just gave a big sigh. She knows that she's having a hard time and doesn't know why but is tired of it. I wheeled her back to her room and she managed to get 1/2 a cookie down before starting the spitting thing again, but I felt better knowing she had more food in her stomach.

Mom said that the last time they had to decrease her dosage, they went from three times a day to twice a day, and it lasted for a month. I don't quite remember it being that long last year, but you can tell Grandma is so uncomfortable and miserable even after a week so I hope they can increase her dose back to normal soon.

The best thing that Alzheimer's drugs do In My Opinion is slow down the decline of the disease. You won't see the symptoms go away and the person return to their old self, you'll just see a change in the comfort level and at this point, comfort level is all that matters.

Hillcrest documents her med schedule and a couple of the nurses there, Kandy and Diane, are really great about talking to mom and I about her dosage, and will look up the schedule if we have any questions.

Many Christmas Gifts

2006-12-26T08:12:00.000-06:00

Grandma had a lot of visitors over the holiday weekend. Mom and I went out on Saturday, Aunt Marilyn and Uncle Larry were out on Sunday, plus during the week and last weekend my cousins were out there to visit too.

Her roomate, Selma, passed away last week. She just couldn't pull out of that flu bug that had hit Hillcrest over a month ago. Usually she would hang in there during an illness, but not this time. She was 99 years old.

When I got there Saturday Grandma was eyeing the sack that I brought her. I decided to put her gift in a gift bag instead of wrapping a box with paper so it would be easier for her to get into. She couldn't get the card out of the envelope, so I'm glad I did the gift bag. She knew that it was a present and was anxious to get at it. I was amazed at how she reacted. She knows what a present is.

The music box that I ordered with "White Christmas" on it was all of a sudden on back order as of last Tuesday, so I won't see it until January 6. I'm sure she will enjoy it nonetheless, Christmas season or not. In the meanitime, Mom found a Hallmark card with Bing Crosby singing "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas," when it opens. We played it for her a couple of times, and she clapped her hands after it finished.

She didn't eat a very good lunch. We found out later that the puree item was Chicken Fried Steak and Gravy, which I can see why she didn't want to eat. She also had mashed potatoes and tomato puree which weren't appetizing. I brought her a couple of chocolate chip cookies and after we took her tray away she munched on one for a good twenty minutes and drank her milk. I think she could probably just live on cookies.

Christmas Program at Hillcrest

2006-12-15T13:04:00.000-06:00

Grandma was really ready to party the other night at the annual Hillcrest Christmas Program. She must of ate a whole bag of M & M's ( a true chocoholic) in addition to the Sherbert punch and cake. I wonder what time she really got to bed, because when we took her to her room she was not ready to go down. I asked her a couple of silly questions like "Are you still ready to party?" and she said "Yes!" and then I asked her "Are you going to get in trouble?" and she said "Yes!" and I had a feeling she knew exactly what I was saying. I even got an "I love you" before I left, which is the best Christmas present of all.

A local singer, Jack Carey (he's not in the Santa Suit however), who used to be a DJ in a former life and now does the Christian singing circuit, was there to entertain. Sure enough, when "White Christmas" came up Grandma managed to mumble "White Christmas" along with the chorus. I think she enjoyed the music, I know she enjoys music, but she didn't respond to the songs like she did last year. She knows the songs are familiar, but can't sing along like she used to. Just like she knows these people (her family) are familiar to her but she can't put her finger on it. I wonder if she ever thinks "just what are these people doing here all the time?" but I know she feels loved and that is what counts.

What's Under the Tree for Grandma

2006-12-11T15:35:00.000-06:00

Since Grandma's joy's are limited to dinnertime and music, I'm a bit limited on what I can get her for Christmas. She goes through clothes pretty fast, so I'm going to get her a wide-necked top and a pair of elastic sweatpants that will a) be comfortable, and b) provide enough room for her to twist around it without her getting tangled up in her clothes. She likes to take her top off (or try to take her top off) for unknown reasons and she has some bad neck wounds because she would get caught up and the shirt would cut into her fragile skin. A couple of other Alzheimer's inmates like to take their tops off too, so I'm thinking this is just one of those symptomatic traits that we'll have to work around. I could care less if she took her top off, but I just don't want her to hurt herself.

My other gift is a music box that plays "White Christmas" in addition to other classic tunes like Rudolph the Red Nose reindeer, Jingle Bells, etc. Christmas tunes are about all that Grandma remembers anymore, and I hope that she will be singing along this Wednesday night when Hillcrest has their Christmas Event. One of the Quad Cities most popular singers, Jack Carey, is leading the program, and last year we couldn't keep a lid on her bellowing (nor would we want to).

She was a good singer back in the day, and on the farm would play the organ for us and we would sing along to songs. Sometimes she would let us play on the organ ourselves, and we would be pressing all of the goofy buttons like fox trot and samba trying to throw her off beat. Never happened.

Preventing Alzheimer's Part 2

2006-11-29T09:09:00.000-06:00

I found out the other day that Rita Hayworth died of Alzheimer’s disease. However, when her symptoms started to surface, many thought it was alcohol related. Apparently she did drink a lot, but mistaking one thing for another cost her valuable time. I will have to watch one of her films.

When I think back to a time when we could have actually prevented Grandma’s condition, it would have been too late. After my aunts and my mom noticed that Grandma wasn’t “quite all there,” many attempts were made to try and clear up the confusion with a multitude of medications, and I believe she was also on depression meds as well, however, in hindsight, masking the symptoms isn’t any type of prevention. I think the treatments of the symptoms worsened the confusion and the condition.

It’s important for early diagnosis of Alzheimer’s. If we delay too long, and attribute Alzheimer’s to some other condition, some of the early treatments won’t be possible. For those at risk, prevention NOW is the key, while we are in our twenties and thirties, not when we are in our fifties and beyond.

Instead of just paying attention to Grandma’s decline and trying to make her comfortable, I’ve been pursuing the latest research into causes and cures of Alzheimer’s. In a nutshell, plaque buildup in the brain caused by the beta amylase protein is what Scripps Florida scientist Dr. Malcom Leissring is targeting to find a cure. Another report linking diabetes to Alzheimer’s suggests that the Insulin Degrading Enzyme is associated with a higher risk to developing Alzheimer’s.

Someone wrote or said to me “the mystery of Alzheimer’s is frustrating,” and I guess my only solution to clearing up some of the mystery is to be informed and most of all just pay attention before it’s too late.

Leftovers

2006-11-27T09:41:00.000-06:00

I brought a morsel of pecan pie (w/o nuts) and Grandma seemed to like that. I ran out of potatoes and didn't want to chance a piece of turkey getting caught in her throat, so pie was the only thing I had. Things went so fast on Thanksgiving Day that I didn't get a chance to set a piece of pumpkin aside.

Grandma was rather quiet yesterday - or contemplative - and was more interested in playing with her dining bib/towel than talking or looking at a magazine. Usually she likes to flip through the pictures and touch the pages. I'll read some things or try to before she licks her finger to turn the page. When she was on the farm she would read all of the magazines like Women's Day, Good Housekeeping and also the tabloids like National Enquirer and Star. I would enjoy reading those myself so now I have to resort to flipping through things at the grocery checkout line.

She still has some neck wounds as a result of her trying to take her top off and it getting caught around her neck because her arm was stuck in the hole. Her skin is so fragile that even the slightest nudge and she bruises. It's rare when I see her arms without some red/black/blue marks from her wheel chair escapades, and I put lotion on her forearms when I think of it because her skin is so dry, but it doesn't speed up the healing.

When the lunch cart came she was so hungry that she fed herself with a spoon. She didn't even mind when the nurse gave her a pill or her laxative liquid (she needs this everyday apparently) and ate most of her squash and meat puree. She still isn't very hot on the potato buds and I feel extra bad about not setting some real mashed potatoes aside.

While we were eating, Evelyn came over for a chat. She was in a pleasant mood and started talking about a "tragedy" of four girls running away and how "Jim" was involved with finding them. She's never mentioned Jim before and I asked her who he was and she retorted "Well you know Jim," and went on with how concerned the community was about these missing girls. She has a lot of interesting flashback stories and I wonder when some of them actually took place. I'll never know unless I am around when one of her family members is visiting, and I haven't seen anyone yet.

A Reason to Give Thanks

2006-11-21T15:28:00.000-06:00

This is the first year that most of the McCann family won't be getting together for Thanksgiving. For 37 years of my life we have been trekking to an aunt or uncle's house the Saturday after Thanksgiving to get together and eat Turkey, mashed potatoes, rolls, pies, corn casseroles, beans and cranberry sauce. The last few years have been at Hillcrest so we could be with Grandma. I'm going to go there on Friday to bring her some home cooked turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy and a little pie. I hope it will be a "good eating" day.

Mom says she's been off of her eating kick in the last week. It was too good to last, and I think all of her hunger came from having the flu a couple of weeks ago. I'm thankful she made it through that. As weak as the disease has made her, she's still a tough cookie.

Last year I was thinking at this time, "Is this the last year with Grandma?" I've decided to stop thinking that, because it really doesn't matter. She's not worried about it, why should I be? She enjoys being around the people she loves, and she knows that she is loved in return. We can guess at the reasons she's staying around for, but better yet we can be thankful that she's here, and beyond that, nothing else matters.

Brain Power Diet

2006-11-15T12:06:00.000-06:00

I'm reading more about how diet effects the onset of Alzheimer's, and I have to say that Grandma and Grandpa's diet on the farm didn't help Grandma escape the disease any more that if it chased her down and tackled her like a Chicago Bears linebacker (GO BEARS!).

There was always good 'farm food' growing up and if there wasn't meat and potatoes on the table, it wasn't a meal. AND don't forget the gravy. Genetically, Grandpa was from Irish background and Grandma was from German heritage, so that will tell you right there they were hearty eaters.

Maybe that's why I like beer so much.

Here are Grandma's most favorite foods when she could eat solid food: hamburgers, french fries, barbecue and fried chicken. She wasn't much of a milk drinker, but she did like tea, and so did Grandpa.

I enjoy following USA Weekend's weekly Eat Smart tips by Jean Carper. Here are 5 brain food tips (for baby boomers she says but I'm not waiting until I'm 55 before I start paying attention to my diet) she suggests that will help reduce the risk of Alzheimer's and preserve brain power as we age:

Eat fish. Studies have show that the omega-3 fat in fish such as tuna or salmon may help fight toxic plaque and stimulate communication between the brain cells.
Get plenty of fruits and vegetables into your system. A daily serving of strawberries, blueberries or spinach helped to prevent AND in some cases reverse brain aging in animals.
Drink Green Tea. Two cups of the antioxidant-rich drink a day can cut the risk of cognitive impairment by 54%.
Eat Curry. This could be called the spice of life! One of the ingredients in curry, curcumin, is shown to improve memory in animals and reduce a brain toxin that's linked to Alzheimer's.
Trim Animal Fat and Calories. A new Swedish study indicates that people who ate more saturated animal fat in midlife doubled their Alzheimer's risk, especially those who are genetically vulnerable.

I'm going to start looking for cookbooks that focus on diets for those who are wanting to prevent Alzheimer's Disease.

Death and Dying

2006-11-02T08:30:00.000-06:00

It seems like I pay more attention to death and dying when it is so close as it is now. I'm not throwing out anything prophetic about Grandma: she's doing great and she had a great day on Sunday when I last saw her, but I know that we are losing her on a daily basis, little by little.

Also, one of the residents at Hillcrest, Duane, died last Saturday, partly due to the flu that eventually set in to pneumonia. He couldn't shake it off, and went downhill fast. That could of happened to Grandma and I half prepared myself for it, but she's tough and feisty as I have mentioned before, and she came through it fine. I even got an "I love you" before I left. That's something she hasn't said in awhile, and I wonder if I'll hear it again.

We lost her long ago, and it has been a grueling process. Some of the mechanics still exist, her brain likes to sing songs, hold hands and look through the newspaper, although it doesn't know why. I like to think she's in there, just for my own comfort.

Good Taste

2006-10-27T08:58:00.000-05:00

Yesterday Mom called and said that Grandma couldn't get her food in her mouth fast enough. She was ravenous and finished a good breakfast and lunch. Unfortunately, most of the staff at Hillcrest has the flu, so they are short handed. At times I've thought it would be nice to just go out there and volunteer if I had the time, but I can't.

I never really thought Grandma was close to death last weekend, but I know that in a condition such as hers, the flu could bring her down fast.

I'm going to make apple bars again this weekend (I may cheat and buy pre-made pie crusts) so she can enjoy some more. I know that she recognizes what they are. You don't know what she's thinking anymore, and she probably doesn't even know herself, but I think that using other senses like taste, can maybe spark a thought. More so than a photo. I know she's tired of looking at photos because she doesn't recognize much anymore and she gets annoyed easily.

If I'm feeling ambitious I may even tackle Grandma's coconut creme pie recipe.

Flu Bug

2006-10-23T16:04:00.000-05:00

My mom said that Grandma got sick Friday and was vomiting quite a bit and couldn't keep anything down. She did manage to keep down some chicken broth yesterday, and drank two cups of 7UP. No fever. And she's not refusing to eat or drink, she definitely wants her fluid and such. All I did last night was hold her hand and tell her a few things about my week. She kept drifting in and out, but was looking at me at least. A couple of times she tried to get out a sentence, but there's hardly anything to understand anymore except "no" and "yes."

Prayers go out to Bailey, her Mother passed away last week, and Paula, her father passed away yesterday. Both blogs I've read and passed on to others, they are so much more enlightening than any other article about Alzheimer's disease. It puts a real voice behind those who are suffering from Alzheimers.

Grandma's Apple Bars!

2006-10-20T08:21:00.000-05:00

I made Grandma's Apple Bar recipe the other day. YUM! Years ago my cousin Demara compiled a book of favorite family recipes as a present one Christmas. I am forever thankful for that little recipe card book. Grandma's Apple Bars are the best thing you can put on your taste buds (next to her coconut creme pie). I don't make them often because I'm just not good at doing pie crusts and what took Grandma MINUTES to do takes me at least an hour. I never minded doing the apples back then as long as she cranked out the crust. AND NOW I have this thing from Pampered Chef that peels, cores and slices the apples with a quick crank of the handle so the apple part is easy.

Luckily the apple bars are easy to mash up so I think Grandma enjoys them but she doesn't get real excited about food anymore. I haven't heard any comments from her about what she eats... sometimes you would get a "That's good" out of her if she liked something. If she doesn't like something or she's tired of eating she just spits out the food and you have to be quick with the napkin.

Shes been very quiet this last month. Quiet in the sense that she's not even trying to listen to anything and just looks around or wants to go off in her wheel chair and move about. Every time I say that though all of a sudden there will be a day when you can tell she's having a stream of thoughts, and even though it doesn't relate to what you are talking to her about, she still wants to contribute something. Usually all I do is babble about whatever is going on in my life (and it's a struggle for me to do that because I'm not a gabby person) with the ulterior motive of getting her to respond. Sometimes she senses that though, and like me, she's stubborn and won't want to "play along" :)

Preventing Alzheimer's

2006-09-21T14:55:00.000-05:00

Because I am paranoid, a worrywort and know that my chances of developing Alzheimer's is a possibility, I read everything I can get my hands/eyes on. So far, the best synopsis I've come across is on Dr. Andrew Weil's Website:

"To help prevent the form of dementia known as Alzheimer’s Disease, do the following:

Get regular physical activity, 30 minutes of aerobic activity most days of the week. It increases the flow of blood to the brain and can lower the likelihood of Alzheimer's by 30 to 50 percent.
Eat omega-3s. Oily fish (like wild Alaskan salmon, sardines and herring), walnuts, fortified eggs and freshly ground flaxseeds all provide omega-3 fatty acids, which are linked with reducing inflammation.
Take supplements and vitamins. Vitamins E and C are good choices, and B vitamins can help lower blood levels of homocysteine, a toxic amino acid linked to an increased risk of Alzheimer's.
Stay mentally active. Read newspapers and books, dance, do crossword puzzles, play musical instruments, participate in ongoing education, learn a new language. Courtesy of Dr. Weil on Healthy Aging"

The only thing I don't do on a regular basis is physical activity... I've been trying to run at least three times a week, but it's hard with kids stuff and work and outside activities. I guess I'm just going to have to make the time to exercise. One thing I don't want in my lifetime is to be stuck in a wheelchair all day eating pureed food.

Mystery Meal #536

2006-09-20T08:54:00.000-05:00

I just can't get over pureed food. It's just not right. It tastes the same as "normal" un-pureed food but the visual presentation is terrible. I'm a picky food snob.

I was all prepared for Grandma to not eat the other night because mom said she ate a real good lunch, which always means that Grandma won't eat dinner. I brought a couple of mom-baked cookies with me just in case she didn't want to touch her dinner. I always default to cookies, because even if she won't eat, I feel that at least she ate SOMETHING. She needs calories.

Well to my surprise she inhaled her dinner of ground up hot dog, pureed tomatoes, whipped cucumbers and blended navy bean soup. What the dessert was I don't know, I smelled it and it had a sweet cinnamon aroma, but not fruity. I was too afraid to taste that one.

I would kill for a burger at Oogies in Streator, IL. Grandma would always take us grandkids there for a cheeseburger, fries and Root Beer. There was also a diner in Ransom that made great burgers, the greasy way. Greasier the better. Unfortunately, Oogies is closed and another restaurant has taken it's place. Shame. Ransom now has one bar that serves food, but it's not the same. Nothing will ever be the same.

The First Born Daughter

2006-09-15T11:09:00.000-05:00

My mom, Barbara, first child of Dolores and Glenn McCann, was born on this day in 1938. The world was on the cusp WWII and America was at the tail end of the depression.

Glenn and Dolores would have four more children over the next 10 years. At one point, Grandma was talking an awful lot about "getting the girls" ready and scolding Larry about something. My uncle Larry sure must have been a troublemaker. Sometimes I wasn't sure if she was talking about her kids or her brothers and sisters (she was one of nine). I think she kind of blurred them altogether after awhile.

My mom is the closest one to grandma and tucks her in just about every night. I don't make it out as often as I want to, but mom is always there, so I can get updates often. My Aunt Carol is the next closest, and then My Aunt Rosemary comes to do grandma's hair every Friday. Uncle Larry still lives in Ransom, IL, hometown of Glenn and Dolores. I'm glad someone still lives there because I have many good memories of that place and want to go back there soon. I'm sure grandma will be buried there. Aunt Ruth/Sharon (some call her Ruth, some call her Sharon) lives the furthest away in Phoenix, AZ. On grandma's birthday she called on A. Carol's cell phone and the phone was going around the room for over an hour. I hope A. Carol has free weekend minutes.

I read other blogs by people who are caring for their loved ones with Alzheimers. I feel very fortunate to have grandma in a good place with caring people. Things could be much worse. She does get bumps and bruises from time to time, that's unavoidable, but everyone there knows her and loves her even when she's onery.

Fibbing 101

2006-09-06T16:16:00.000-05:00

Although Grandma doesn't ask about Grandpa anymore, or even want to talk about him, there was a point in time if she were talking about him or asking where he was, I would often lie and say "I don't know," or "I'm sure he's chatting with someone else right now - you know how he is!"

She would be fine with that.

Grandpa died in 1991, and she was there through it all. Found him slumped over a chair in the bedroom. She was in the kitchen and he went to change his clothes or something, and it happened in an instant. And she had to wait almost an hour for the ambulance to arrive. It's a good thing that she has forgotten that, because it was a horrible memory for her.

Since she has started talking about things and reliving moments in her life, I have never minded going along with her. It seems so much easier to talk about myself in third person or pretend that I'm one of her daughters or sisters, rather than repeat myself time and again: "I'm your granddaughter, my name is Holly, I'm Barbara's daughter. Barbara is your first born, and you have five children... etc."

I think Alzheimer's patients need kindness more than honesty. Those that are at Hillcrest with Grandma really can go on about nothing, and if you just keep nodding your head and smiling, it makes them feel more comfortable at least.

Preparation Zero

2006-09-05T11:15:00.000-05:00

I was telling some one the other day that you can read all you want about Alzheimer's, you can talk to doctors, try and get insight about the disease, it's symptoms, causes, preventative measures, etc. However, nothing prepares you emotionally. You can try to look at things logically, take notes of reactions, and measure out the Alzheimer's stage by what the symptoms are that day. Two months ago I was worried that Grandma was having trouble swallowing (and she was) and what that meant for her eating habits and what was going to be done. I was a wreck emotionally, but rationally I was telling myself that this is how Alzheimers goes and that there would be a finality (eventually).

Now that "finality" seems to be pushed off a little, but it's still looming. And none of us want that day to come, but we know it will.

A Good Week

2006-08-28T13:30:00.000-05:00

Another good eating week for Grandma - at least when I was out at Hillcrest. She inhaled her dinner last night (although spit out the cream of broccoli soup, which I take as a sign that it must really taste bad) and ate almost all of her meat "mixture" and green stuff (Lima Beans). I saved the brownie and cream for last, and knew that she appreciated every bite.

Alzheimers hasn't totally taken away her ability to communicate. She tried to tell me that she had had enough of her main entree, which is more action that she has done in awhile. Usually if she doesn't want something she'll spit it out after you put it into her mouth, but she came out with a pretty clear sentance of "I've had enough of that." I was shocked. I'm usually the one asking the questions and all I get are stares or a short "yes."

Then after dinner I was talking to her about stuff I think she would be interested in...family geneology and history of some things that my distant (twice removed maybe??) cousin Scott sent me. I located a book on the Shackleton family (Grandpa Glenn's mother Ethel is a Shackleton) and have been reading that and was telling her about it, then I switched gears and started talking about Grandpa's Great Grandpa Hugh McCann and when he came over from Ireland... and then all of a sudden she stopped fidgeting and put her hands up to her head and said "I don't remember that."

For some reason I laughed, and then said "Well of course you don't remember, it was before you were born!" But later I started thinking about how she said she doesn't remember and if it was because she knows she forgot, or that she can't remember. The fact that she knows she forgot has some meaning in and of itself.

I can't read too much into it, because there will be a day, maybe this week or next, when she'll be on a different time frame than the present, and it doesn't matter what you say to her because you'll be a complete stranger. But she didn't treat me like one yesterday. Even though she didn't know my name or who I was, at least I wasn't a stranger.

Birthday Bash - 88 Years!

2006-08-22T08:25:00.000-05:00

The Hillcrest Gazebo was full of McCanns Saturday for Grandma's 88th birthday. Everyone was there, even cousin Denny (wife Peggy & son Zachary) all the way from Virginia whom we haven't seen in decades. Cousins Greg and Demara also came in from Kentucky. We missed A. Ruth and U. Bernie (Phoenix AZ), and Melinda and Don & the triplets (St. Peters MO).

Maxine and Claire's family (Sidebar: Maxine was Grandma's niece but the same age as Grandma; Maxine's husband Claire was Grandpa's cousin. Glenn & Dolores and Claire & Maxine hung out quite a bit together.) were also there: Virgil & Karen, Janie and her two girls Carly & Grace, and Linda. Linda brough Maxine last year to Hillcrest for Grandma's birthday, and even though Maxine wasn't as far along as Grandma in her Alzheimer's, she looked real good and held a conversation quite well. It was a shock when Maxine died earlier this year. I thought she had a while yet.

Aunt Rosemary did Grandma's hair before they brought her out to the gazebo and she looked really good. Grandma stopped coloring her hair and let it go to its natural state it has been a really beautiful silvery-gray color for the last couple of years. She has colored her hair for as long as I can remember so she must have gone gray really early. I have photos of her with red hair and then really early photos that looked like she was a strawberry blonde.

In true McCann fashion we had a ton of food, all good. Lot's of sweets. My vote goes to A. Carol and her coconut pie.

Grandma ate a good meal (been eating good lately- total turn around from a couple of weeks ago) and she even had room for brownies and cake. Of course she had to stick her fingers in it, but I think she was encouraged. Someone commented, maybe it was me, about coming full circle: Parents let us stick our fingers in birthday cake when we are young, and then when we are older we get to do the same thing again. Sweet.

I think she knew it was her birthday (or at least some special day), she was sitting upright in her chair and looking quite perky for a long time. She knew her family was around her and she took all of the hugs and kisses she could get. Every time someone came to sit by her she had to hold their hand. Well after the food and the cake was gone, she was still sitting there, eyes open, soaking it all in. Demara thought she looked tired and we looked at the clock and were surprised it was after 7:00 p.m. Grandma normally starts nodding off around 7:00 p.m. As tired as she may have been, I could tell she wasn't going to give up that day for anything.

Summertime

2006-08-10T14:22:00.000-05:00

If there was such a thing as an Alzheimer's Plateau, I guess this is it. Nothing is worse, nothing is better. A few days ago she was her "on the go" self, and if you didn't push that wheelchair fast enough then she was going to do it herself. Almost like a little kid. If she could still talk I bet she would have told me to get my hands off her chair.

Her 88th birthday is coming up: August 19. Many of my cousins and aunts and uncle are coming in for a picnic at Hillcrest. Last year at the same time I was wondering if Grandma would still be here for another year. This year I'm wondering if she'll be around next year. It doesn't really matter I guess because the outcome of Alzheimer's is the same. So I'll take what I get even if it means doing laps around the hallway.

When I drive out to Hillcrest with my window down I can smell the corn, and that always reminds me of summertime on Grandma and Grandpa's farm. I will always love that smell. When the sweet corn was ready I would help Grandma boil it, slice it off the cob and then put it into baggies. Of course I ate my fill at the same time because there is nothing like fresh cooked sweet corn.

Stage 6 Alzheimer's

2006-06-23T12:54:00.000-05:00

It's a good thing Grandma is confined to a wheelchair, because if she were on foot she would definitely get lost in a matter of minutes. Every time I go to visit her you never know where you are going to find her... in someone else's room, out in the main dining area or stuck in a corner. I am amazed at how well she maneuvers in that thing.

Her swallowing is impaired. It makes me wonder if she is in the last stage officially. I worry all the time about her inability to eat. When she's really hungry she will feed herself, but it's hard for her to swallow. She can't remember how.

The nurses dress her in the morning so she doesn't have to worry about what to wear (not that she does).

This is Alzheimer's everyday. There comes a point in time when you stop thinking that you can hang in there until she forgets you, then it won't bother you so much when she does because you'll still have the memories. I was just thinking the other day I wanted to talk to her about stray cats because there's one around my office that I want to bring home, but am hesitant because the cat is pregnant, and I have no idea what happens with a pregnant cat and how cats have babies (like do they do it on their own? do I need to help? what?)... but Grandma would know because there were a ton of wild cats on the farm that she fed everyday.

A lot of times I just want to tell her things and have her understand.

Eat and Sleep

2006-06-20T09:13:00.000-05:00

This week Grandma's main motivation has been eating and sleeping. She puts her head down when she's tired (whether it be the table or just plain leaning across her wheelchair at a wierd angle) and when she starts getting hungry that's all she wants to talk about.

Today we read the paper and flipped through a couple of magazines before she started telling me "Well let's go," and "How about we go to the table?" She says things like that when she's hungry, although she doesn't come right out and say she's hungry. You can't get her mind off of it once she's started. I finally gave up and wheeled her into the dining area at 4:30 just to get her quiet. She seemed content then.

Once we got in the dining room Mabel started up with "I'm tired!" To know Mabel is to know that she yells out anything she says, and once she starts up with "I'm tired!" then you get to hear it about a thousand more times through the course of dinner.

My mom is returning from Europe later today, so I'm sure in some way Grandma will be glad to see her. Whenever I show up I get a sense of "gladness" even though she doesn't smile or say so. It's in her eyes. She likes being called Mom, or Grandma, maybe because it gives her a sense of her self that she forgot long ago.

Alzheimer's: In the Span of a Year

2006-06-15T12:10:00.000-05:00

I was looking through old photos and ran across some of Grandma when she lived at Liberty Village in 2003. She had only been off the farm a short time, and I remember that she was really having problems keeping track of things (meds, time, meals, etc.) and that we were worried that she would do something like over cook food or set something on fire. We had a party for her in August (pictured with her great-grandchildren: Scotty, Austin, David and the triplets Erin, Grant and Kira).

A few months later she was moved from her apartment in Liberty Village to a room in another section of the facility with no kitchen and basically a bed, entertainment center and living room area. It wasn't long after that move that she kept falling out of bed and losing her direction in the hallway. The decision was made to move her to Hillcrest in 2004 so that she would have round-the-clock care by nurses and aides. Later in 2004 the family decided to have Thanksgiving at Hillcrest so we could be with Grandma (pictured with my family Ethan, Scotty, Chad and Tom top and then me, Grandma and my mom). The change she went through in that year's time is cruelly obvious, and it seemed like I couldn't keep up enough with learning more about the disease and then getting used to her personality (or lack thereof) and the idea that THIS is how she would be from then on.

Pureed Food

2006-06-12T08:18:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure if I can get used to all of this pureed and ground up food. They even liquify her pie so Grandma doesn't have to chew. But she still goes through the chewing motion weeks later, and will still spit it out if she's done.

She loves her chocolate. I gave her a couple of pieces before it was time to eat because she wouldn't stop panting (does this when she's hungry) and as I was sitting on her bed she suddenly grasped the chocolate bin and I literally wrestled it away from her. She growled at me after I got it away from her and for some reason I growled back and the all of the sudden she looked me in dead in the eye and just glared at me for a second and then put her hands up to her forehead and rested them there. I felt bad so I gave her another piece of chocolate. It didn't ruin her lunch totally... she ate a few bites of meat, half of her potatoes and whatever the green stuff was, peas or green beans. Aunt Carol seemed to think they were beans.

Grandma and I had a good time reading the newspaper. She likes to look at the ads and the funnies. I tried to tell her a few jokes, but I got that same deadpan look I got earlier so I asked her if I was funny and she said NO!

Fast and Fleeting Moments

2006-06-04T10:05:00.000-05:00

There's a woman, Jeanette, at Hillcrest who comes out to eat at the lounge area table when I'm there with Grandma at mealtime. She smiles, makes eye contact and initiates conversations very well, but as soon as the words are out of her mouth, she forgets what she was talking about or can't recall the thought in her head.

I can tell the neurons aren't connecting. I know she sees what she believes she sees, even if it's supposed to be her mother sitting right next to me... when the chair is empty. Once she told me she feels bad that she had left her mother alone for a second and her mother had some sort of accident and lost the eyesight in one of her eyes. She may have gotten poked or hit something, I couldn't tell and when I asked her the moment was gone and she forgot what she was talking about.

Is time really that hard to get a hold of? She doesn't seem to be upset that she lost her thought, because I guess if she can't hang on to it, and doesn't remember it was there, what should she get upset about? I really try to keep up with the "conversation," although sometimes a string of generalities comes out like "well it wasn't supposed to be done that way and I wanted it to be more definite...."

The thing that upsets me is that she doesn't eat. She sees the food in front of her, she sees the tableware, and looks like it came from Mars. She can't equate the fact that the food in front of her is a clue that she is supposed to eat. Yesterday she sat there with her fingers in her pie like she was getting a manicure. I picked up her fork and put a piece of roast beef in her mouth and she said "Where did that come from?"

Memories on Memorial Day

2006-05-30T14:59:00.000-05:00

Well IÂm in great company when it comes to singing with Grandma. We sing pretty badly together. However that was not always the case, Grandma had a very nice alto singing voice that I remember and played the organ in the Ransom Church for years. Myself and the other misc.Grandkidss used to pile around her organ when we were young and she would play us a few tunes, and we would get a kick out of pressing the various percussion settings. My favorite was the foxtrot button.

After she retired from organ playing she would sit with us in the pews, and I would pick up on her tone when we sang hymns, because it was hard for me to hit those high notes and scales but she made it seem easy by singing along in harmony.

We moved the organ to Hillcrest with her, but they werenÂt using it much and they wanted to get rid of it. I debated with myself about taking it but the thought of an organ in our house without a trained organ player made me cringe. I lived through ScottyÂs elementary orchestra years (he played the bass, and actually he got really good and I miss those concerts now) but I just wasnÂt up for a budding organist.

For Memorial Day Hillcrest had a special program with some songs, so I knew that she would be up for a couple of tunes. We said the Pledge of Allegiance to which she remembered very well. And it was coherent. Then we sang America the Beautiful and Battle Hymn of the Republic and that was about as far as we got before she got tired.

It's rare to hear her talk in complsentencesnces, so when she sings along with the songs it's a treat to hear her say the words and the melody at the same time. She remembers. At Christmas when Jack Carey (local country singer) came to sing with the group, she chimed right in when White Christmas came on. Gayle and I were in tears. We rarely know what enjoyment she gets out of things, but the one thing we know is that she enjoys music.

My mom told me that the doctor said since her last weigh-in sheÂs lost nine poundsÂ mostly because of her inability to chew her food properly. ItÂs really been hard to get her to eat at times, although IÂve had some success with getting her to drink her milk first to prep her up for more swallowingÂ but the chewing part doesnÂt seem to go well, and she either gets tired of chewing and wonÂt swallow, or wonÂt want to chew altogether but will swallow her milk. This is beyond the getting-the-teeth-in factor that IÂve mentioned before.

They are pureeing her food now so meals should be easier to manage.

Before the Memorial Day program the nurses gave her one of her Health Shakes and she guzzled it right down. The nurse commented that she ate a good breakfast, so who knows half the time. At least sheÂs eating and I havenÂt seen her turn down a chocolate shake yet. Or anything chocolate for that matter!

Simple Recipes from Grandma's Recipe Box

2006-05-23T14:47:00.000-05:00

Rock Island has a new antique shop: DooDad's on the corner of 30th Street and 14th Avenue. Went there Saturday and found quite a few bargains: a marble base lamp, a California pottery dish and an old recipe file box with a bunch of old recipes in it.

The recipe box was the greatest find, and it prompted me to dig out my Grandma's recipe file box with her clippings and concoctions. I know that some of the recipes are hand-me-downs from my great-great grandmothers before. The ingredients are all so simple and basic. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by cooking a recipe I've stopped before I've started.

I'm going to try and build a Web site of Grandma's Recipe Box to see what else is out there. I know I've heard of OLEO, but where can I get it? Do people still use it? What ever happened to Pimentos? They were everywhere.

Cooking has been a big part and process of my life, from 4H to my first cookbook at the age of 6 or 7. I like my cooking magazines but there's something about digging in the recipe box that is adventurous and fulfilling. I'm sure Grandma agrees, although she can't tell me anymore, but there's nothing like the taste of her homemade apple bars that I know can't be found in any recipe book.

Mother's Day Brunch at Hillcrest

2006-05-14T14:56:00.000-05:00

Hillcrest had a Mother/Daughter brunch festivity over the weekend, so I went out and joined Alaina, Gayle, Aunt Rosemary, Aunt Carol and my mom (AKA Aunt Barbara). Uncle Steve was around somewhere, but I only saw him for a few minutes. He enjoys buzzing around and talking to people.

The brunch was nice and Grandma almost ate a whole muffin. I could tell she liked the bright tablecloth, flower napkins and decorations by the way she kept fiddling with them. She really likes to touch things, in a way that someone reads Braille, she skims her hands over the top like she’s trying to understand it. I have no idea what her eyesight is like, but she wears her glasses still, and she can read large print words.

Mom said she fell/scooted out of her bed Monday, but there doesn’t seem to be any damage. She must of fell on her bum just right; no one could find any bruising otherwise. Lately the falls have been a regular occurrence, she’s not wearing her Velcro/strap/alarm thing anymore because she learned how to take that off. Believe it or not she’s got a lot of strength in those little arms and she can rip off or hoist herself whenever she wants to. Many times I’ve tried to pry her fingers off of her wheelchair so I can push her around and there are days when she’s got such a vise grip on the wheels that I can’t budge a pinky.

Aunt Rosemary set Grandma’s hair after breakfast. The style never lasts very long, but then again my hairstyle never does either.

Sister, Wife, Mother, Grandmother

2006-03-23T14:21:00.000-06:00

She may not remember her name most of the time but Dolores McCann still knows she’s a grandmother, mother and wife. Her identity to those monikers still runs strong, and I’m sure it’s because most of her life was built on those foundations.
I asked Grandma a few years ago (actually it was awhile ago after Grandpas funeral I think, 1991) about her meeting up with Grandpa and she told me a story of how he picked her picnic basket at some late afternoon soiree and they had been together ever since. I could never remember the wedding date, so I asked her and she replied “May, 1938.” Finally it dawned on me that my mom was born not too far behind. I said, “Wasn’t mom born in September, 1938?”

“Yes.”

“GRANDMA! So it was love at first sight huh?”

She was kind of quiet for a moment and then smiled and said, “Well I think he really liked my picnic basket!”

So wife and mother she was, all in the same year, 1938, at the age of 20.

Before she started mixing her name up, forgetting to turn off the stove or forgetting what pill she to take at noon, she was canning, freezing, mowing and cooking up a storm on the farm in Ransom, Illinois. --Don’t think she was a homebody, because she and Grandpa liked to go out every chance they got. I’d wager that Dolores was one of the best dressed women in Ransom, and no one could compete with Glenn when he wore his plaid pants, light blue suit coat and white felt fedora.

I can't ask her what she remembers now, only when she starts talking in the past do I understand some of the parts of her life. Time runs backwards for her. Lately she’s been muttering about the “girls” and worries about what they’re getting into. In her mind, Grandpa is alive again, and I’m not sure if I’m born yet, but she can rattle off her children’s names one right after the other. Once in awhile she talks about Sal SP?, a brother she lost long ago. I don’t know much about her family other than she was one of ten siblings, and it’s really too late to ask her questions. I’m sorry I never asked her more about her family – and now the history is fading.

46 Years and Counting

2006-02-24T15:31:00.000-06:00

The Twins enjoyed their 46th birthday yesterday. The event was celebrated in the usual fashion: dinner at the Blue Cat Brew Pub in downtown Rock Island, and then a hop across the street to Copia for martinis. "The Marilyn" is my favorite. And I should just stick to one, but never do.

Tim was ready for bed at 9:45 p.m. He announced this at 9:00 and started rushing us through our drinks for 45 minutes but managed to down a scotch himself in the meantime.

We all made it home OK and Tom had to take one last look at his birthday gift from Tim before going to bed: a buffalo skull with a tole painting of a mountain scene with, yes, buffalo in it. Good thing that there's a garage to hang it in.

Dolores Augusta Benkendorf McCann

2006-02-23T13:58:00.000-06:00

One of the best women role models I had as a child was my grandmother Dolores McCann. She is still alive today, at the ripe age of 87. Alzheimer's has taken away much of what we know is her true personality, however there is still some feisty-ness in her.

I used to spend my summers on the farm near Ransom, IL, "walking beans," mowing tons of grass (I rode along for fun) and freezing thousands of bags of sweet corn. I had my first can of TAB in one of downtown Ransom's finest diners, along with a greasy cheeseburger and fries. Heavenly. I still drink TAB to this day.

I think I was about 7 years old and I asked her how old she was. She said "thirty-nine." I thought for a moment and then said "That can't be right grandma, my mom is thirty-seven!" Things were silent for a second or two and then she said "Oh all right, well I'm 45 then." I grinned at her, thinking that I caught her in a little white lie, and I remember her smiling right back at me, just as cocky, because she's the one who still had me fooled :) Feisty!

Write Beginnings

2006-02-21T09:16:00.000-06:00

My Aunt Ruth gave me a diary when I was in fourth grade. It wasn't my first, however... I remember having one before that with a lock and key. I think it was red and said "Five Year Diary" on the cover.

I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote through my elementary and high school years and even took all of my diaries with me to college. Regrettably, I threw them all out one day because my boyfriend at the time said that I shouldn't be "sharing secrets" with anyone but him and that I needed to open up (I thought I was in love) so in the trash they went.

In hindsight, I regret throwing them away. Right now they are rotting in a landfill near Naperville, IL, and I have half a mind to go up there and dig. Maybe someone came across them and kept them. Hell I don't care if they've been read or not, half the stuff now is probably sooo trite (OHMIGAWD I'm having such a baaaaad hair day {sniff}). What kind of notice to I put out to the community? LOST: circa 1986-87. A set of diaries. Finders fee.

About Mighty Iris

2006-01-01T10:34:00.000-06:00

My grandmother was officially diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2004. Even before that, we knew that the disease had started to set in, and it was only a matter of time before we would watch her deteriorate. I didn't expect it to be so rapid, and thought that I had some good years left with her before she wasn't able to speak. Not the case.

In Greek Mythology, Iris was the messenger of the gods to the people. Her name means ‘rainbow’, thus implying that her presence is a sign of hope. Grandma had flowers everwhere on the farm, and even though her favorites were gladiolus and some other names that I can't think of, she reminds me of an Iris. We always have hope that for a fleeting moment we'll get a glimpse of her again as we know her, before she goes up to the heavens.

However, there is strength in her still, so Alzheimer's hasn't claimed her totally. It's enough strength for the rest of us who wait for those little "glimpses" that happen every once in awhile. And the do happen!